Semper Ubi Sub Ubi
by Jaina and Arafel
Summary: Part 3: You didn't think Meryl wasn't going to find out about the underwear, did you? Oh yes she does.
1. Default Chapter

  


Semper Ubi Sub Ubi*

(An omake by Jaina and Arafel, part 1)  


Arafel's note: Jaina had nothing to do with this one, but she provided rampant encouragement. It helps if you've read A Whisper in Darkness, a fine product from our sick minds. [/shameless plug] This omake contains sophomoric humor and no one should read it.   
  


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The morning after and the morning before, Vash woke up, stretched, and scratched. He was feeling far more relaxed than he ought, given that Knives was waiting out there somewhere to blow his head off, but the general aura of well-being was too deep to shake. 

Vash yawned and blinked. Well. That dream he'd had last night might have had something to do with it. At least, he thought it was a dream. Pants? Check. No one else in bed with him? Check. And it wasn't like Meryl, not at all, to do what he was sure he'd dreamed about. It was just too good to be something other than a complete fantasy. 

But _damn,_ if it had been, it was the most vivid fantasy he'd ever had. Vash allowed himself a minute to recall some of the higher points. Yes. Very vivid. Not that he hadn't had them before, even about her (and he hoped he'd come back to be able to tell her an awful lot of things) but never in such detail. Overheated brain and stress and being able to hug her was the cause, probably, even if she had socked him on the head after it. 

Enough. Focus and refocus. His coat was hanging up, mended by small, careful hands (and he could feel those hands on his chest, dammit, not what he needed right now.) The gun was oiled, cleaned, and loaded. Boots were polished (and she'd done that too, god he loved her) and armor was repaired. A shave, and it was time to leave. 

Vash dried off his face and glanced around the small, unattractive room, which was nonetheless the best in the house. The bed was unmade and a mess, but that was nothing new. Maybe he ought to cut Meryl a break and make the bed. Yes. That would be nice, wouldn't it? It would. He picked up the pillows and tossed them onto a chair. 

Something small and white slid to the ground. It didn't look like socks. Frowning, Vash picked it up, and a huge, what-do-you-know, I-_did_-get-laid-last-night smile crossed his face. 

So. It _hadn't_ been a dream. 

The pair of underwear - pretty, with a bikini cut and a little bow - confirmed that. 

Wonders never ceased. 

And who would have thought his insurance girl to be capable of such a thing, or to have such cute underwear? This could be interesting. It was all the more reason to confront Knives and remove him from the picture for a while. Hadn't he earned some time without worry? A little nooky on the side wouldn't hurt either. 

Now. What to do with Meryl's underwear. He couldn't very well just leave it here, could he? Nah, that would be boring. There were plenty of places to tuck a pair of panties into his coat. She'd kill him if she knew. 

Which, properly dealt with, could be fun. Meryl was so entertaining in a temper. 

Whistling, Vash divested himself of sweatpants and got dressed. 

It was time to go. The morning sun was blinding, and he didn't see the small figure next to the door until she spoke. 

"You're leaving, aren't you." Meryl's face was hidden in shadow. 

"Yeah." Vash turned, forcing himself to maintain composure. "I'm feeling a lot better now." _For a variety of reasons, not the least of which was your surprise visit last night, and hoo boy but I'm feeling just great this morning because of it._ "Don't worry, I'll be okay." He was unable to keep a small, satisfied smile off his face. 

Meryl lifted her head, and the grey eyes were sad but accepting. "See you later. Good luck." 

"Thanks. And thanks for everything." _For patching me up,_ he wished he could say. _For dragging me out of hell. For letting me know that you love me. And, for last night._ The slight bulge in his pocket from her neatly folded panties pressed against his hip. 

Not long after, the Cross Punisher was a heavy weight on his back, and the girls stood together, waving goodbye. Vash raised his own free hand in farewell. "Well, take care of yourselves. Bye." The seriousness of the situation was sinking in. 

_Goodbye, Milly. Goodbye, Meryl. I'll come back to you, insurance girl, I promise._

_And thanks for the good-luck charm, even though you'd kick my ass if you knew I was bringing your underwear with me. _   
  
  
  


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*Semper = Always  
Ubi = Where  
Sub = Under  
Ubi = Where  
  


_Yes, I have a juvenile sense of humor. And, there's a second part. Stay tuned._

arafel@oceandreaming.com 


	2. Part 2

Semper Ubi Sub Ubi

Part 2

Wherein Knives is Not Pleased

Arafel's note:  Again, Jaina had nothing to do with this piece of trash.  More sophomoric humor involving underwear and snarky quotes from Perfect Blue.  Mwah.

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            Blue sky, green trees, wine on the table, chilled in an ice bucket.  White, of course.  Only white wine was chilled.  

            Knives was waiting.  

             "The humans treat you well?  Did you have _fun_, dear brother?"

            _You have no idea,_ Vash thought, and an involuntary smile spread across his face as the previous night's events, as highly inappropriate as they were to the situation, flashed across his mind.  _You have absolutely no idea._  

            "I did, yeah!  Best thing that ever happened to me!"  _Oh yes, oh yes it was._  Vash kept his blissful smile and hardened it to meet the situation.  The silver gun lifted from its holster and leveled at nearly-identical blue eyes.  

            Something fluttered to the grass, dislodged by the motion, falling unnoticed by the man in red.  The man in white, however, noticed. 

            "Drop something, brother?"  Knives asked casually, stooping to snatch the scrap of cloth off the ground before Vash could react.  "More bandages?"

            Vash went white.  Of all the people to find them... "Yes, that's it!  In fact, why don't you just give that back.  Here, I'll take it..."  He made a desperate lunge for Knives before his brother could take a closer look, but it was already too late.

            "What the... what the hell is this?"  Sidestepping neatly, Knives held the white scrap of cloth up with two fingers pinched around it like it was something utterly distasteful.  His eyes widened.  "_Women's underwear?!  _What have those filthy humans been encouraging you to do, cross-dress?"

            Impulse got the better of him and he couldn't stifle a retort.  "Hardly, you think those would fit me?  They don't belong to me, they belong to the insura-"  _Oh shit._  He slapped a hand over his mouth and willed the sound waves not to reach his brother's ears.  

            Too late.  Knives, still holding Vash's prize up in the air, nearly dropped the panties as Vash's words sunk in.  "I can't believe you.  That's disgusting.  I don't know what's worse, your unnatural congress with a human, or that you brought a trophy with you."

            Vash made an ineffectual grab for the panties.  "Give those back!"  

            "I'm really, really worried about you, Vash."  Knives dodged easily and stuffed them into his pocket.  "I had thought, perhaps, that your weak mentality could be rescued.  Now, I see it's just too late.  You've fallen into the human sin of carnality."

            "You should try it sometime," Vash huffed.  "It might improve your temper."  Knives recoiled in disgust and Vash made another grab for his brother.  "Give them _back,_ Knives!"  

            "Or what?" Knives taunted.  "Are you going to shoot me again?  I didn't think I'd ever be accosted over a pair of underwear."  He deliberately pulled the panties out of his pocket and held them up.  "They're almost cute.  The little bow is nice.  What do you think, Vash?"

            His statement was cut short by a flying tackle.  "Those are MINE!" Vash growled.  "You shut up!"

            "No, you shut up!  Nngh!"  Knives tried to push Vash off.

            "Give it!"

            "No!"

            "Knives, I'm warning you..."

            The two brothers tussled, ripping divots into the pristine grass.  Finally, Knives threw his brother back with a well-placed boot to the chest.  While Vash coughed, Knives dusted himself off and shoved the panties back into his pocket.  

            "Such nonsense," he said.  "What are you really going to do?  I can't let you go back to that short insurance woman.  If she's that easy, she's a tarnished woman, like a slut.  What would Rem say?"

            Vash's eyes narrowed and blazed blue behind the yellow lenses.  "_Say that again._"  

            "Like a slut," Knives replied, almost cheerily.  

            The silver gun blazed in the suns.  "Don't you ever –" _bang!_ "-say that-" _bang!_ " – about – " _bang!_ " – MY INSURANCE GIRL!"

            And with that, the gunfight began.  

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_My my, such foolishness.  Dreadful.  Whatever would Meryl think?_

arafel@oceandreaming.com


	3. Part 3

**

Semper Ubi Sub Ubi   
Part 3

**

_Author's note: Again, Jaina is not responsible for this. Vash is. Blame him, it's easy._   
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            "Meryl!  Meryl, look, it's him!"

            "Huh?"  Meryl shoved wet hair out of her eyes and squinted into the distance.  Sure enough, there was a familiar tall, lanky figure walking towards them, just visible through the dust and water.  

            It was Vash.  He had come back.  He was alive.  He was whole, he was okay, he was…

            He was damn hot in that bodysuit, if she did say so herself.

            Something wasn't right with the picture.  Meryl looked harder, and unless Vash had grown a spare butt on his shoulder in the last week, he was carrying someone else with him.  

            "Isn't this great?"  Milly babbled joyfully and bounced up and down.  "Mr. Vash is all right!"  

            "Thank goodness."  Meryl let out a long sigh.  "I'm so glad."  _But I didn't expect company.  Who the hell is that with Vash?_

***

            "This is my brother, Knives."  Vash deposited his unconscious, bandaged burden on his bed.  "Knives this is… Meryl."

            Meryl pinked at the sound of her name.  _He said it, he really said it!_  She coughed and crossed her arms over her chest to hide her girlish reaction.  "Why did you have to bring him back here?  Hasn't he caused enough trouble?"

            Vash gave her such a sad look that Meryl was sorry she'd said anything.  "I couldn't just leave him there to die, you know.  He _is_ my brother."  

            "I'm sorry."  Ashamed, Meryl blushed.  "We'll take care of him, too."  

            "Thank you," said Vash, and she was enfolded in an awkward hug, impeded by his wounded shoulder.  "It's not the best situation, but right now… if you want me, you get him too."  

            _And oh I do want you._  Meryl rested against his chest.  _Still, just what I needed… two brothers instead of one._  

            As if he'd heard her thoughts, Vash mumbled into her hair, "No threesomes."

***

            Once Vash was patched up and sleeping soundly on her bed, Meryl was able to turn her medical attention to Knives.  The bandages winding over Knives' prone form were so professionally done that it hadn't been necessary to attend to him right away.  

            Once she started to unwrap the layers of gauze, Meryl saw that Knives' jumpsuit was in terrible repair, full of holes from the fight.  Well.  Vash was his twin, right?  They would have to wear the same size clothing.  Vash's bolster bag yielded a battered pair of jeans and a button-down shirt.

            Knives was heavy and hard to maneuver, but Meryl managed to extricate him from his jumpsuit without causing further injury.  Before she threw the jumpsuit out, she checked the pockets.  Even evil maniacs might want their keys back.

            The fabric in one pocket felt different.  Frowning, Meryl pulled out the contents.  A handkerchief?  She shook the item out.

            "Underwear," Meryl said, puzzled.  She looked closer, noted the familiar bow, and her face attained a color not often seen in nature.  "_MY UNDERWEAR!"_

            Vash was sleeping, but not for long.  Her recovered panties clutched in one hand, Meryl descended on him like a freight train.

            "Wha-?  Hnngh?"  Vash barely had time to register that he was conscious before an enraged Meryl belted him again.  "OW!  Stop that!  I'm in enough pain!"

            "Not nearly!"  Meryl shook the panties in front of his face, and Vash blanched.  "Can you tell me just _why_, Mr. Vash, your brother had my underwear in his pocket?"

            "Um…"  He tried to think of a good answer, of which there were none.

            "I'm WAITING!"

            "Knives… found them?" 

            "Oh.  I see."  Meryl tapped a foot.  "And just where did your brother find my underwear?"

            "On the ground?"  The hole he was in got deeper.

            "And can you tell me why, Mr. Vash, my panties were on the ground?"  She loomed over him, eyes blazing.  For sheer fury, Knives had nothing on Meryl, Vash thought, trying to disappear.  

            "I… dropped them?"  

            "I see.  You dropped them.  Now, Mr. Vash, you are going to explain why you would have had my lingerie out in the middle of the desert, in detail."  Her smile was pure poison.  "Or…"

            "Or…what?" Vash ventured.

            One small hand rested lightly on the bandages surrounding the wound on top of his leg and slid towards a vital area.  "Or, I am going to make you very, very sorry."

***

            Since Vash the Stampede had arrived in town, there was always something new to gossip about around the potbellied stove in the general store.  The town had seen plenty of strange things in the past few weeks, and every new tidbit was dissected and passed around, spreading like wildfire.

            But as for the pair of white boxer shorts with yellow duckies that flew from the spire of the post office… sometimes it was better not to ask.

  
  
  


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_Alas, the juvenile underwear saga has come to its natural conclusion.  
  
For those of you who would like to understand the "no threesomes" reference, I refer you to the following fic on MediaMiner.org, entitled "Both." This fic is truly in a class by itself._

  
  
Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed! Huggles to all!   
arafel@oceandreaming.com 


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